It’s like I’ve been drinking polyjuice potion since I
arrived in Niagara-On-The-Lake and I’m an entirely new person. Before arriving
in Niagara for my contract I made the decision to make a few changes about my everyday
life. Some things on the list where as simple as ‘not throwing my hair into a
messy bun every day’ and ‘making adjustments to the clothes I wear’ so that I’m
not always stuck in the casual jeans and t-shirt mode. How you present yourself
makes a big difference in how people treat you/look at you/understand you.
Since I was coming to this town a complete stranger, I took it as an
opportunity to slightly re-imagine myself. It has made me feel more confident.
Walking to work on my first day, I thought about the
biggest lessons I’d learned on this journey towards Stage Management so far and
a few things stood out: I’d been making huge strides on letting go of things
and stopped thinking the weight of the world rested on my shoulders. I also
made leaps and bounds in moving towards believing in myself as an artist. On my
walk, I decided I wasn’t going to sweat the small stuff, that I was hired for a
reason, I wasn’t going to act like an imposter, crossing my fingers that no one
was going to find out that I don’t belong here, and I was going to soak up as much knowledge
as I possibly could. For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel like I needed
to prove I deserved to be part of this family. I wasn’t going to try and prove
anything and I wasn’t going to hide who I am. This decision carved my path to
so much growth ahead.
So now that 2 months has gone by, who am I? What have I
become? What have I learned?
I’ve had so many brilliant discussions about post-its and
blocking methods, and scheduling and equity rules with the stage management
team that works here, and through that I’ve been able to try different styles
and I picked up new skills and discovered better ways of doing paperwork and
tracking, etc… I’ve been in rehearsals solely with the purpose to watch other
stage managers work. I’ve subbed in for an ASM during a rehearsal run through
of a process I was never part of. This week I’m going to sit in on an onstage
tech work through for the musical, to watch the process. I’ve experienced
amazing luxuries and all of them have changed me. The biggest luxury I’ve had,
however, is working on a very low key show/low stress for the stage management
team. A stage manager is always the first one in rehearsals and the last one to
leave at the end of the day. As per equity rules, there is a total of 90
minutes for pre/post rehearsal time. I’ve been scheduled for a total of 60
minutes each rehearsal day, 30 minutes at the top and 30 minutes at the end.
Because my current show is so light, I’ve been using those 60 minutes to ask my
SM questions, or to get feedback or to just watch the SM interact with the
director at the end of the day. This has allowed for some one-on-one teachable
moments. It makes a difference when you
can take part of the scheduled time for these discussions. No one’s going into
overtime so they can answer your questions, no one’s rushing off at the end of
the day to get somewhere else, etc… Through all of these discussions, and fly
on the wall moments I made the realization that I still woke up every morning
with the intent to apologise. Yes, I was ready to make mistakes and I was
comfortable with that, but I was also in the mindset that I wouldn’t go through
a day without making a mistake and that I would always have something to be
sorry about. After a combination of 2 conversations, some key words in the
rehearsal hall and an observation session in the span of 24 hours, I had this
moment of clarity that changed everything and completely altered me as an
artist and a person. I’ve been struggling as a prompter for as long as I’ve had
to do it (prompting is when you follow along with the script as the actors
rehears and feed them lines when they get lost). I’ve often been told by
mentors that I’m not loud enough and that I hesitate, but a good prompter is
loud, clear and confident. The problem I have is that I’m afraid I’ll be wrong,
and I doubt myself before I open my mouth. During the first conversation,
someone said “you need to be loud so that you can punch through the cloud of
confusion that actor is trapped in”. The second conversation ended with “You
are your worst critic, and you are the first to judge yourself. Don’t be so
hard on yourself, you don’t need to be.” Another part came in the form of a note
repeated in rehearsal all week (from the director to the actors) to be ‘strong
and wrong’. The final piece that made everything click was watching someone
else prompt and finally understanding what ‘strong and wrong’ really meant.
I’ve listened to other people prompt before, I’ve had some conversations about
wanting to improve my prompting and getting feedback, but it was just this
combination of events that cleared my fog. Not only did I stop judging myself
as a prompter, but I also stopped waking up in the morning with the intent to
apologise, and that lesson has touched so many other parts of my life, even my
posture has gotten better. Poof! A whole new person!
Because of this job, I’ve been given the luxury to be
able to afford life, squirrel money away, and have free time. I don’t think
I’ve ever been in a position as an adult where I can live a balanced life.
(adult=having to support myself). I don’t have to schedule lunch dates or movie
nights a month in advance, in fact I’m often sitting at home wondering what to
do with all this free time. It took a while to adjust to this. For the first 6
weeks, I would work during my breaks, and would go home for lunch. I kept
choosing to work rather than risk being alone. I avoided the cafeteria, because
I felt like I forgot how to interact with other people, how to make new
friends, how to introduce myself to others. It took a long time before I pushed
myself to walk into the cafeteria and sit down with strangers. This concept
makes very little sense in regard to my experience at the festival so far.
Everyone I’ve met has been super friendly and welcoming and I felt like I
belonged, but the ‘how do I interact on a personal level with these people’ was
very lost in my workaholic self and I needed to get over it. “Those who simply
wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone.
Those who go out and find it themselves have something to say when it rings.”
(Gilmore Girls/Dawson’s Creek quote) There’s no use hiding, and I’m going to
miss out on so much of this experience if I hide behind my work. There was
nothing to be afraid of, everyone here is amazing and invite you into the
family. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, because the reward is incredible.
The last big realization I’ve made so far is how the all
jobs I’ve taken in the past (excluding m apprenticeships), where I’m hired as
the stage manager and don’t have an ASM to support me, have not helped me grow
as an artist. They’ve all left me treading water and keeping a float, but none
of them have given me the opportunity to improve any of my skills. I’ve just
been able to practice the things I learned in school. I took on too much
responsibly too quickly too early in my career and it kind of stunted my
growth. My apprenticeships kept making me feel like I was constantly playing
catch up, and I felt overwhelmed with how much there was to discover. In a
week, I’ll be completing my 6th apprentice credit, and starting my 7th
credit and I finally feel like I’ve caught my breath and can move forward. As
much as my passion, drive and need to succeed has pushed me to this point, it
also made me arrive later than I could have. I had goals, 5 year plans,
checklists and sometimes I was more excited by checking things off my list, and
making it to the next step than the actual experience that moved me forward.
Who Am I? I feel like I’ve shed so much of myself,
removed some unnecessary layers and feel so much lighter now.
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